As I prepare to face the anniversary of my husband’s passing, I find myself grappling with the complexities of grief, love, and the human experience. In writing about my journey, I hope to connect with others and offer a glimpse into the power of resilience and self-reflection.
Love is a delicate balance, a fine line between holding on and letting go. It’s something that can slip away slowly, piece by piece, without us even realizing it. It’s not always a sudden break, but a gradual one that can catch us off, guard. It’s easy to fall out of love with our partner, ourselves, our life, our friends, family, routines, passion, or work if we’re not present and diligent.
Time flies by in a flash, and life can move on with or without us. We might think we’re in control of our lives, but that’s not always the case. Nature blooms, grows, and dies without our help, and sometimes love changes and grows so fast that we could miss it if we’re not paying attention. We need to take a moment to stop and reflect on our lives to avoid getting lost in the chaos and running in circles.
I know all too well how easy it is to abandon myself when life gets tough. I shed the part of myself that needs cultivation and go into survival mode. I lose trust in myself and react harshly to any request put upon me. I dream of escaping to a new place where I can start over and live with the chaos in my mind. I know I can’t escape myself, but I’m good at reinventing myself. I can convince myself I’m someone new and don a new life too easily. Unfortunately, abandoning myself means abandoning everything in my life, including love and the good and light. To stop loving myself is to come home to what I know and what feels familiar.
I understand how love can break easily and how we can lose sight of our lives, even when it’s right in front of us. We can live without living and love without feeling. It may seem like contradictions, but opposites can still be true at the same time. I used to ‘escape’ to isolation to soothe my melancholy and heaviness, but I’ve realized that’s not a sustainable solution. I still get lost inside my mind when I can’t escape it, and I’m learning to sit with the discomfort instead of numbing it. Sometimes, I think I should just be “normal” and let my life follow the flow of others. However, recent events have made me question everything and come up with no answers or solutions.
Life slips away from us, piece by piece, ready to crash. But I don’t want to be a bystander, watching it all fall apart. I want to rise from the ashes of my own doing, watch something burn in my life, and see it purify me. So, I recommit to myself and to love. I’m learning to stay present and focused, to cultivate the parts of myself that need nurturing, and to hold onto the things that matter. Because in the end, love is what keeps us whole, even when everything else falls apart.
