My heart is heavy as I pen these words on his death anniversary, for I know all too well the pain of losing a loved one. The devastation of such a loss cannot be put into words, but as I reflect on my journey through grief, I recall moments of solace and comfort that helped me endure. I share my experiences and reflections now, hoping they may offer even a small measure of support to others who have walked this same path. Though each of our experiences is unique, there is strength and healing to be found in the knowledge that we are not alone in our grief.
I cling to scraps of Nitish. Memories, letters, and mementoes; anything I can get. I’ve obsessively combed through his letters, cards, and notes, treasuring every scrap of his memory that I can find. I search tirelessly through my past and even other people’s memories to find the missing pieces of our relationship.
Keeping a continuing bond with Nitish, my beloved who passed away, has been my way of reconciling the painful gap between my current reality and our cherished memories. To maintain our connection, I search for signs of his presence and communicate with him through my fantasies. This process has allowed me to fold new experiences into my memory and integrate them with our preexisting memories, enabling me to maintain a healthy relationship with him. Even though I am uncertain whether he is truly with me, the comfort and stability this bond provides are priceless.
Nitish and I embraced the philosophy of “spaces in our togetherness,” as Kahlil Gibran so beautifully articulated.
Even after his passing, Nitish continues to care for me in profound ways. He had prepared detailed instructions (as though he could sense his premature departure) on how to manage our finances, which have become my responsibility. I pore over spreadsheets and documents, searching for guidance amidst his handwritten notes and occasional sticky memos. Though I sometimes yearn for his guidance, his voice remains a constant comfort and source of direction.
As I continue to grapple with Nitish’s absence, I find myself embracing a paradoxical mix of emotions. I am sad but not unhappy, alone but not lonely, and single yet in a relationship. While I feel loved by many, I no longer feel loved by him in particular.
But despite his absence, our relationship endures. Nitish’s love and support provided the foundation for my bold independence. Even as I navigate this surreal new world without him, his love remains the rock on which I rely, providing comfort and encouragement as I bear my grief.
Nitish may be gone, but our love lives on, shaping me and fortifying me for the journey ahead. Our relationship, like a beloved character in a book, lives beyond his passing, impacting my life in profound ways. As I continue to turn to his love for solace and strength, it remains a deeply embedded internal reservoir, a source of soulful support and guidance that will continue to shape my life for years to come. Till we meet again…….
Red rose on gravestone in cemetery