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Strangely, Feeling Unloved has a Wicked Allure…….

“But you can vanquish the demons only when you yourself are convinced of your own worth.”― Adeline Yen Mah

An aphorism within the haloed realms of psychology speaks to the fact that we feel pain continually irrespective of how much it may bother us and build unresolved issues in our psyche. Over time, these inconclusive build ups are from the feeling of being unloved – and reactions can be triggered by just a word or someone. Unfortunately, the feeling of being unloved has a wicked allure – one of the strongest enticements. This, despite the fact that feeling unloved causes deep pain and sometimes unmanageable distress.

“I am unloved” is usually an unintended feeling, however, the enticement and propinquity for this feeling, have a strange vice-like grip. And yes, allured by the feeling of being unloved does throw common sense out of the window – because why would someone want to feel pain, after all the crap that life throws at us anyway? Well, the truth is that our inner self, has the ‘habit’ of going against the protocols of common sense, and if we look within deeply, we will uncover many such ‘allures’ that completely fly in the face of common sense. Feeling unloved – just one of these startling ‘discoveries’.

I refer to this feeling as a wicked allure because it is easy to fall in love with being unloved – it is familiar and maybe even used as a defining trait. It gives us a sense of ‘comfort’ to the extent that we are unrecognizable to ourselves without it. I don’t mean that these feelings are always unfounded – there would be innumerable instances of rejection, cruelty, snubbing, ridicule, and more inflicted upon the psyche and heart, leading to the vice-like grip!

Despite what we want to believe, the rejection or unkindness from others, while being the trigger, is not the reason for the allure and internal burden. These unsettling feelings come from our internal conflicts that remain ambiguous and unresolved. The vacillation between loving oneself and feeling completely unlovable in the next minute is that tough place where we feel trapped within. This cobweb of complexity – self-loathing, self-criticism – is usually and primarily unconscious, and has a devious allure.

This execrable allure has to be negated and broken away from – to sustain overall well-being. It might be acceptable to dig deep to make improvements in oneself, however, allowing the inner disparager to overwhelm us, can over time prove harsh and ruthless. Rather than allowing this to crush our very soul, looking deep into the reason for our emotional conflicts, could help us to love ourselves first. We can absolve ours self of unnecessary misery through insight and #emotionalintelligence. Taking steps to claw our way out of the pit of misery of feeling unloved is possibly one of the biggest ‘favors’ we can afford to our self. The allure towards being unloved – betrayal, rejection, feeling abandoned – are emotional but unfortunate attachments. It is akin to a bloodsucking parasite that refuses to leave, unless we shake it off.

Feeling unloved – a wicked but very real allure!

Do You Know the Color of Your Thoughts?

Read this as though you wrote it

There are times when I might say “am feeling blue”, essentially conveying that I am sad or depressed or not feeling as happy and energetic as I usually feel. On some days, everything is rosy red, or sunshine yellow or perky orange, while some days are neutral or rested – gray or white might describe them.

The color of my thoughts often translates to the color of my emotions. If my thoughts are orange, my emotion and mood would be happy. Depending on how often the colors are cheery and bright, these could stick with me for some time. Think about it! Well, I understand that keeping thoughts in control not easy, but unless I remain mindful of what I am allowing into my head, I could easily get overwhelmed. At the risk of sounding like a harbinger of gloom, the fact is that negativity is ubiquitous and hence the color of my thoughts could easily become blue or black.

My mind is powerful. If I color it with the dark or wrong thoughts, my life will be ‘dyed’ the same color. Of course, this is subjective but I know for a fact that the longer I ponder or stick with the dark/miserable/despondent colors, the worse I feel. And to make matters worse, these colors tend to stick and become harder to disconnect them from me.

Don’t get me wrong – am not always jumping around happy and smiling. I have my cantankerous and morose days too, which am sure you have as well. In fact, we need these bleak times – they help me at least to appreciate even the normal days, allowing me to view the world in a happy frame.

What is the predominant color of your thoughts? Is it time to change this color and do you have what it takes to make that change?

Have a colorful weekend!

Why Emotional Intelligence is Critical

Image Courtesy: UpRaise

There is so much happening in the upper reaches of your head – you find yourself unable to relax. Wouldn’t you like to remain active, lose yourself in vigorous and fruitful pursuits, ones that make you forget what is bothering you – a sophisticated kind of displacement!

Emotional Intelligence – not from the haloed offices or the glorified pages of scholars – is simply about asking and knowing why. It becomes your purpose and the driving force that will inform every action you take. High EI can become your personal or your business’s brand value – that oomph and differentiating factor that everyone wants but does not have. Make EI part of your mission statement – that critical factor that makes you stand head and shoulder above others!

Yes, it is a challenging time for all. With high EI you would refuse to operate out of a place of fear but rather be disruptive and shake up the industry and your own way of life. Every idea that you think of, probably already exists – but with #high emotional intelligence you would be deliver what you have in a different and unique way to attract customers, with panache!

You know what else is great about EI, it allows you to feel discouraged, upset, angry, sad, or other such ‘negative’ emotions – but tells you what you can do with these emotions and feelings – you will ALWAYS find a solution. It enables you to sort out the big and small stuff with focus on your options and the way forward. Emotional Intelligence helps you realize your greatest strengths and fulfill your optimal potential to get what you desire.

The world is constantly changing and so are we as individuals. Rather than fight the change, it would be prudent to build agility and tackle whatever we are faced with – daily. The strength for this should come from within – EI is your tool to build this inner vigor and resilience. The essence of EI is that it helps you challenge the status quo – whether it is your own rigid mindset or fear or the personalities of others around us. Remaining stagnant is detrimental for business, a person, and from an overall wellness perspective.

EI hands you the reins- allows you freedom – makes you the boss of your choices. It affords you the tenacity and determination to keep going despite challenges and in the face of failure. EI is all about passion – when you are passionate about something, you do it well and succeed.

Doesn’t EI sound like something you want to learn for yourself, your business, your relationships, and for every aspect of your life?

#AnChEI solutions

Guide to Essentialism for Advancement

Image Courtesy: Simply Placed

“The way of the Essentialist isn’t about setting New Year’s resolutions to say “no” more, or about pruning your in-box, or about mastering some new strategy in time management. It is about pausing constantly to ask, “Am I investing in the right activities?” – Greg McKeown

Fear of missing out, lack of emotional intelligence, and a mindset of consumerism is forcing everyone to constantly want more, and with that the desire to take on additional assignments and high pressured jobs. The murky coalition that now exists between the forces of consumerism, mobile devices, and social media platforms ensures some inadvertent consequences – not all bad, but certainly a high degree of issues. Overcoming such a mindset is essential in all realms of life, but we will focus on the idea of ‘essentialism’ in an effort to build and advance one’s career.

Opposing Mindset

It would be easy to hanker after better and multiple projects, jobs that require intense hours and even relocation, and other such ‘more’ actions in one’s job, in a bid to advance one’s career. Contractual employment, for example, is a term that such mindsets abhor and refuse to accept. It just isn’t ‘enough’ and does not sound ‘rushed and big’. In the bid to grab projects and assignments and other tasks, people tend to overlook and even negate the truly vital portions of their job / career. It would make more sense to carefully assess the opportunities that come along, understand deeply those that align to one’s objectives and goals, and ignore all those that do not match up to the current situation. This is the core of essentialism – and opposes the neglect of urgent and pressing objectives. The fact is that if someone is good at their job, and is viewed as being successful in their career opportunities and requests will abound – and without a clear focus on objectives, essentialism will be a lost cause.

Most people find it hard to let go, and this is more pronounced in the case of go-getters and high achievers. However, to be truly successful it is important to understand that is humanly impossible to do everything and also trying to please others is highly imprudent. Essentialism propagates that unless one is able to prioritize their own life, there will always be undue demands, which would end in someone else making life and career decisions for a person. It is all about balancing through trade-offs, since while some people may be able to pursue several things at one time, it seems highly unlikely that anyone person can pursue everything. High achievers, read as people who are successful would be those who strategically chose their objectives and pursued them with all their might. It is about choosing the best options and completely discarding the others. When looking at career building opportunities, many people tend to make the same mistake – not analyzing opportunities in alignment to their goals and objectives for lack of time or believing that every opportunity is a ‘golden one’. Remaining stuck within indecision wastes time and energy and can truly hamper growth and success in a person’s career, proving counter-intuitive to what a person would actually be moving towards.

Essentialism is about determining what is Essential

There are some techniques to understand what is essential:

 Understand your own role and the impact it has on the goals of an organization. “Raise your hand” only for projects that meet the objectives of your own role and that of the organization.

 Place all your assignments / projects / tasks within your role in a list, and assign them an urgent or important status, and proceed to complete them accordingly. Do this exercise regularly for both short term and annual goals.

 Place your highest personal values alongside the culture of the organization. Take up assignments / projects that will forward the cause of both.

 Ask for help / support where required. Not everyone has the leeway to firm up priorities of their job / career. If required, seek the help of a senior person / experienced individual to help prioritize. Identify time wasters and find ways to either eliminate or put them on automated mode.

 Remain mindful and do what is most essential, to the cause of progressing your job and career, on a daily basis.

 Push and stretch to become increasingly productive and effective in your job – not just becoming better at what you do, but also challenging the status quo. Of course, challenging what is should be done when you know exactly why it would be important to your role and despite going against the tide you would be able to garner support.

Essentialism Now

To move ahead in one’s career, whether in contractual employment or a permanent assignment, some changes are necessary to focus on what is truly important. Utilize new techniques to remove excesses and simplify processes, making it easier to stride towards that which would indeed be most critical to your career building and advancement.

Called to be HUMANE

“With reasonable men, I will reason; with humane men I will plead; but to tyrants I will give no quarter, nor waste arguments where they will certainly be lost.” – William Lloyd Garrison

Of course we each have our understanding of what being a human means and live our life accordingly! But are we humane?

Being humane is the overarching term that embodies all the best and positive qualities of humankind. Every single day we face ‘choices’ to either be empathetic and compassionate or the converse. Do we always choose humane qualities that guarantee we are tender and kind to other humans and to our animals and plants? Hmmm……

Today we live in tough times and inhumane behavior is rampant. We are resorting to unkindness, turning blind to the sufferings of other humans, and inflicting cruelty on them and the planet we live on. Cruelty encompasses all acts of commission and omission that allow us to perpetrate misery and suffering on others/our planet and turn a blind eye to the distress and pain of others. Not surprisingly, we humans who regard ourselves as ‘superior’, are the only ones for whom cruelty is a thought out act and actually a motivating factor. Tsk, tsk!

“The greatness of humanity is not in being human, but in being humane” – Mahatma Gandhi – a concept lost and forgotten by most! Our species evolved, and developed quickly the skills that allow us to be the ‘overseers’ of this planet. Yes, overseers/agents – not owners. While this brings immense responsibility, it also brings a sense of false supremacy – making us humans drunk with power. This drunkenness is what leads us to be inhumane in our ethical dilemma challenges.

While some feel morally compelled to act and fight maladies, disease, injustice, hunger, and other evils, the drunken ones use these inequities to suppress, torture, and even gain more inebriated power. The role of stewards of this planet completely changes with such – no responsibility only power and dominion.
Being humane is about assuming the responsibility of this stewardship and carrying out our duties as humans towards ourselves, others, and the planet.